December 9, 2002

In Daytona Beach early today NASCAR, the sanctioning body for the Winston Cup series announced plans that will slow the cars in the Daytona 500 in 2003.

NASCAR confirmed an earlier suspicion that involved a secret testing program. Caught with their hands in the aero cookie jar, the sanctioning body had little choice but to release all documents and testing notes for this exciting new program.

The new program to be instituted at Daytona will allow the teams to remove the restrictor plates from their cars which up until this point has only been a dream. The aero packages and noted safety devices will continue to be a part of the racing program with roof flaps not being involved in any noted change.

NASCAR revealed to this reporter the name of the program which will be known as the “Mother In-Law Ride Along Program” (MILRAP).

All drivers will be required to have their Mother in-law in the car with them at Daytona in this very unusual program which NASCAR calls its best effort yet in regard to slowing the cars. We were able to track down a degree of the particulars in this program which is destined for success in the Winston Cup series.

The drivers mother in-law's will ride next to them in a jump seat and will carry a bullhorn type apparatus. Mother in-law's will shout commands to the driver from the bullhorn in an effort to keep the him under control and attentive to the surroundings on the track. Suits for the mother in-laws are expected to be an old grungy housecoat with worn out slippers with hair curlers and a facial mask being noted as optional.

Through exhaustive testing, NASCAR has discovered that this program will work and appeared as very excited as to its implementation. We were able to catch up to a NASCAR official this past week and he said that “MILRAP” has been in place and working very well in his daily life and sees no reason why the sanctioning body can't bring success to the track by means of a similar program.

It was further suggested that given the premise that all drivers do not have a mother in-law, there will be a pool of noted mother in-laws that NASCAR will keep on hand at the track in an effort to distribute to the teams in a timely manner. This could be their car owner's, crew chief's, or John Darby's mother in-law.

NASCAR also revealed in documents uncovered that the testing for this program was extensive with an estimated cost of five million dollars to be passed on in ticket prices to the fans. The increase will appear in the form of a tax similar to that of a seat tax implemented at some major league sports stadiums.

In an interview with Mike Helton (never returned my calls) the NASCAR big wheel stated that it is his personal hope for this program to slow the cars to a point at which the fans will see competitive but yet fast racing at Daytona in the spring event. When asked about any other secret testing or future plans the hefty Helton suggested that Team spotters would be next on the chopping block with the possible introduction of Seeing Eye dogs that will be duct taped to the hoods of all cars in the series.

So folks you can clearly see that NASCAR is always at the helm in their efforts to better serve this sport. Money is no object and ideas flow like cheap beer from a plastic tap. The next time you think that the boys in the red trailer have their heads in the sand look no further than the MILRAP program for success and positive results.

You can contact Joe at: Insider Racing News