October 8, 2008
By Larry Van Zandt
Before I begin with my exciting and action-packed coverage of the Amp Energy 500 at Talladega Speedway this past Sunday, which was sponsored by Amp Energy Drink and Goodyear Tires ("We Really Get A Bang Out Of Our Product!"), I would like to take this time to present the ‘Whoops!' award to esteemed NASCAR driver Carl Edwards, for causing the massive pileup on lap 174, taking out almost all of the remaining Chase participants that didn't get wiped out in the previous ‘Big One' on lap 68, taken out during the 376 or so blowouts during the race, or abducted by space aliens.
I think that as a reward, NASCAR should mandate that the #99 Office Depot Ford, along with all of the other gauges and idiot lights already present, should have a ‘driving like an idiot' light installed into his dash, preferably a 5" diameter lamp, right next to the tachometer, just in case he gets the urge to try to bump draft in a corner again.
Either that, or install a tower-operated blackout shield, that pops out to completely cover his windshield, that way Carl gets punished by not being able to see the remainder of the race from the comfort of his own race car, should he do something silly like that ever again.
Yep, I can see the NASCAR official right now, during a race with his finger on the ‘Carl' button....."Oho, Carl, so you wanna bump-draft in a corner? Let's see if you like THIS!"
BLAM!
(The sound of screeching tires and someone screaming like a woman can be heard from Carl's headset, as his windshield suddenly goes dark...)
Nah, just kidding, there would probably be too much of a temptation for someone to pull a practical joke on Carl during the race, like Johnny from the 1980 movie ‘Airplane!', where Johnny pulls the plug on the runway landing lights while Ted Stryker is trying to land the doomed plane in the dark......with Johnny crouched by the plug in, holding the power cord for the runway lights, saying "Just Kidding!"....all joking aside, I am shocked that there wasn't a crowd of angry peasants assembled at Edward's hauler after the race, rocking the trailer back and forth, waving torches and pitchforks around (of course, the pitchforks would all have protective tips on them, remember, Safety First!), demanding that Edwards be given to the angry mob....or did NASCAR ban all farming implements and open-flame lighting instruments under that intentionally vague ‘Detrimental to the sport, blah blah' rule?
Anyway, meanwhile back at the ranch, the Amp Energy 500 was one for the history books, dare I say a ‘blowout'. The inability of even the pace car to stay out front produced a record-breaking 61,894 lead changes, with 86 different drivers leading, with all 43 NASCAR drivers (and their stunt doubles) having led at least a lap, shattering the lead-change record set in....oh, heck, never mind, I can't remember the year....but hey, thar's a new record now!
Talladega Superspeedway, for those of you who might of accidentally stumbled onto this site while looking for ‘Insider Trading News', Tallageda is the fastest stock-car racing facility on the planet, where top speeds of 240+ mph are regularly recorded, not by the race cars, but by the motor homes belonging to the race fans lucky enough to be the first ones out of the parking lot after the race is over. However, the race-speed record was in no danger of being broken Sunday, as 10 cautions and two red flags chewed up 41 of the 188 laps, along with a mid-race competition yellow for the drivers to pull into their pits, get out of their car, and have a 10-minute session with the team psychologist in order to deal with nerves that were frayed due to the sheer amount of random tire-failure-related crashes wreaking havoc during the first half of the race.
In fact, several drivers were so afraid of losing a tire and striking the wall, that they were seen re-entering their cars with excess roll-bar padding taped to their helmets and shoulders, along with inflated ‘Donald Duck' swim rings around their waists, thinking that it might help in case they became one with the wall at 190 mph. One paranoid driver even filled the interior of his race car with packing peanuts....but he was immediately black-flagged upon attempting to leave his pit box, as peanuts exploded out of his car as the wind began to blow through the driver's side window opening.
Tires were definitely a problem, with several commenting that Goodyear might have brought a faulty tire, however, an unnamed crew chief mentioned on air that excessive air-pressure might be the culprit of the tire explosions, the likes of which sent drivers like Denny Hamlin into the wall, straight past Go and to the hospital minus $200, along with causing other accidents. Although, once this was mentioned, the tire failures seemed to cease immediately, so maybe this one was a case of ‘installer error', and not the fault of the tires...
Something else that hit the wall today? Everyone in the Chase not named ‘Jimmie Johnson'. With Edwards taking out himself and anyone close enough in the points who might have had a honest chance to catch Johnson during the next six races, the #48's almost eerie consistency during the past two Chase years is going to be a formidable hurdle to traverse, even if there wasn't a serious hit to anyone else's chances like what occurred this Sunday.
Now? Short of dirty tricks like calling Johnson on his in-car radio, and asking him if his refrigerator is running, pulling up alongside Jimmie during a caution lap and telling him that his lug nuts are untied, or tossing out super-sticky James Bond bubble gum out in front of his car tire during a race, Edwards has just created a large hill for himself and the other Chase contenders to climb. Yes, it's only a 99-point spread from 1st to 4th place in points right now, and anything can happen during the next six NASCAR events, but hey, what's life without a little angst-producing artificial drama?
Speaking of artificial drama....I think NASCAR has finally perfected the three-hour horse race, at least on the Superspeedways. I'm beginning to wonder if NASCAR was being honest in creating a ‘safer' car, or creating a car that more enhances the ‘show'. Nowhere else, in any racing series, has such devotion been placed on ‘parity', and I am thinking that maybe NASCAR might be unique in that it's trying to develop a somewhat different kind of racing, where dominance is a thing of the past, with the equipment and rule book completely changed to where no car can ever really pull ahead and blow anyone else in the weeds.
I understand some people call it ‘close competition', but a sport that never moves forward, and never has any technological advances in the pursuit of dominance tend to make that same sport a bit on the stagnant side. At a casual glance, the race today was pretty exciting, but you can only have a "Oh My Freaking Goodness" moment for so long during a race.
Either change it back to the short-track ‘A-main' feature race setup with heat races leading to the main, or let them build better cars, and hype the underdogs ad-nauseam, maybe even creating a bad guy for everyone to hate. I vaguely recall NASCAR still being popular when everyone was hating ol' Darrell Waltrip, with the angry fans gladly willing to pay to see a produce truck dropped onto him at one point (well, at least until Rusty Wallace bumped a certain 1/4 panel during a certain ‘Winston Million' race)....oh well, I will save any further complaints until a future column, as there's always the off-season....
Race Notes:
1. I think Carl Edwards should warn someone in the camera booth before he pours an entire bottle of water into his lap, while in the car...
2. There were so many lead changes, that a few of them were missed by the play-by-play announcers....some guy parked in the infield drank an entire case of Amp energy drink, then grabbed a wheelbarrow and ran out onto the track, sprinting to a 49.15-second lap time according to one timer, but didn't break the track scoring beams as the wheel of the wheelbarrow wasn't actually touching the track as he dashed by the start/finish line...he was going to be declared the new leader of the race, but since the wheelbarrow drifted across the yellow line at one point, he was black-flagged and ordered to pit...
3. Was anyone else annoyed as they continued to run on-screen ads after the commercial break preceding the first ‘big one'? I was watching the screen, with cars and parts flying all over the place, and ESPN was insisting we see more advertising instead of the carnage? Anyone else remember the final accident on ‘Talladega Nights'?
4. Speaking of Talladega Nights, Brian Pattie, crew chief for the #42 Havoline Dodge, was being interviewed after his driver, Juan Pablo Montoya, was making great strides pushing Dale Jr. up to the front...and while he was being interviewed, it struck me then that this guy probably didn't get interviewed that much, because he reminded me quite a bit of Ricky Bobby's first interview. I was actually hoping that Brian's hands would start floating upward...
5. Kevin Harvick received the award for ‘Best Dramatic Slide Through The Grass During The Closing Credits Of A Musical' for his daring re-enactment of last week's ‘The Lawnmowers of Madison County' by Tony Stewart....
Closing Morbid NASCAR Joke:
Three NASCAR drivers were playing a game of golf together during the off-season. As they were close to completing their game, as they sat in their golf cart awaiting the people playing in front of them on the 15th hole, their golf cart was struck by a freak bolt of lightning, and none survived. As they arrived in Heaven, St. Peter asked each of them what they hoped people would say about them at their funerals....
Driver #1: "I hope that they say I was an excellent family man, and a courteous and professional racer.."
Driver #2: "I hope that they mention my countless hours of working with terminally-ill children....."
Driver #3: "I hope they say ‘Holy Crap, I think he's moving!"
Oh, before I forget...
I need to thank my local ABC affiliate for letting some 15-year-old allergy-medication-intoxicated half-wit run the TV station during the race, as the moron went into a commercial break, right as Regan Smith shot across the finish line, with announcers going wild about whether or not it was a legal pass...Of course, Teenaged Hoarder of Acne went right back into the race, cutting the commercial in half, right as I began to discuss the merits of the political candidate that this ad was endorsing, only to go straight into a commercial telling the viewers at home about just how great and wonderful they were since they were going to be showing the CMA awards....and of course, they cut that one in half, also....and then went straight into a Home Improvement show, where somebody was being arrested by the Fashion Police after they raided his house and discovered that the homeowner was hiding a hideously pink bathroom...so I actually had to come into IRN to find out who really won the race....
See you next week...
The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.
You can contact Larry Van Zandt at 
