Sprint Cup Headline News, Commentary and Race Coverage

StubHub.com





Tickets Make Great Gifts

SoldOutEventTickets.com
F1 Tickets
MotoGP Tickets

Click on button to go to
Home Page
Insider Racing News




St. Jude Children's
Research Hospital


Insider Racing News
Copyright © 2000-2009. All Rights Reserved.

Sprint Cup® and NASCAR® are registered trademarks of the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, Inc. This web site is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by NASCAR®. The official NASCAR® website is "NASCAR® Online" and is located at.. www.NASCAR.com


The All-Star Race Is Undergoing Some ‘Changes’….Oh, Joy

An Opinion


March 18, 2009

By Larry Van Zandt

Since I don’t have race results to make fun of this week, I’m going to pick apart the announcement about the upcoming All-Star race, and how they plan on making some changes for this year’s event.

I am really rubbing my hands in anticipation (either that, or I really need to go to the bathroom) as to what they are planning to do different for this year’s running of the COSHAT bulls. We are already four races into the 2009 Sprint Cup Season, and three out of four races have been disasters, with last week’s Atlanta event being merely passable after balancing out only 12 cars being on the lead lap with Kurt Busch running away with the event.

It was a rather interesting, yet short ‘teaser’ announcement. I think it’s going to backfire for generating ticket-buying interest for the event, as we are only two months away from the mid-season non-points extravaganza. While kids might appreciate ‘Sorry, but you are going to have to wait until Christmas!’, this ‘we’ll let you know soon!’ comment reeks a bit of desperation, as if they are making changes as they go along, not really sure what’s going to be ‘different’, but when they do come up with something, why they’ll be sure to let us know.

That being said, I’m going to introduce MY ideas as to what things new and exciting should be introduced at the All-Star race.

First. I would put everyone in Legends cars, tune the bejeezus out of the engines to generate as much HP as possible, and run 43 of these cars out on the main track. However, since there isn’t enough room on one of these cars for the proper amount of sponsor logos without offending someone, each Legends car should tow a box utility trailer behind it with all of the logos on the trailer, and make it a 100-mile Legends trailer race. Of course, to make sure ‘parity’ is observed, the wheels and tires will be removed from all of the trailers.

Second. Make the drivers run the first ten laps blindfolded. Put those raised-bump lane dividers on the inside edge of the track, that way drivers know where they are at, at all times. You know, those same round ‘bump bump bump’ lane dividers that are on freeways so blind people can drive.

Third. At some random point in the race, have someone ‘accidentally’ roll a tire out towards the track right in the middle of a round of pit stops. Oh, wait, we tried that already.

Fourth. During the second round of pit stops (because we all know there will be at least seven crashes), have a dastardly, top-hat-wearing, mustachio-wielding man in black sneak over to both Mark Martin’s and Dale Junior’s car, steal both the #5 and #88 (with the drivers still strapped in, and the dastardly man laughing in a somewhat-dastardly 'hee hee hee!' manner as he makes his getaway with the racecars tucked under his arms), and tie them to a log being ran through a giant sawmill. Cue in ‘Keystone Cops’ chase music along with a video of gratuitous mustache twirling, and then, with a lap to go, while Jeff Gordon is about to win, let a screechy blonde female (Brian Vickers would be perfect for this part) plead for help into Jeff’s headset, by letting him know that Mark and Dale Jr. are at the old sawmill, about to be cut in half, and only Jeff can save them….

Fifth. Once again, Star Wars will save the day. With cameras rolling, have a scantily-clad Carrie Fisher strangle someone dressed up in a Jabba the Hutt costume on the pleasure barge with 5 laps to go….oh, wait, she’s old now, isn’t she? Eeewww.

Sixth. Throw the red flag somewhere in the middle of the race, and let the fans in the stands know the three pages of side effects that could occur while taking Levitra. If we have to watch this crap at home during the race, then I think it’s entirely fair that the fans at the track have to watch it, too.

Seventh. If there is an ‘intermission’, send a group of shotgun-toting 10-year-old’s out into the infield for the first annual ‘Digger Hunt’. Force the ‘winner’ to do a victory back flip off of the top of Carl Edward’s team hauler, and then give him/her a $5 dollar gold piece. Of course, with the prices of gold being as high as they are, this ‘piece’ of gold will have to be on a microscope slide....

Eighth. Have a mail-in raffle awarding $20,000 to the lucky winner. On national TV, give the money specifically to someone in Walla Walla, Washington, and tell them they have to be at the track in five minutes or less to win the cash. Of course, just like in the ABC show ‘Extreme House Makeover’, film the lucky winner’s reactions as they first discover that they just won, but now have to be at the track in five minutes. And yes, I know where Lowe’s Motor Speedway is.

Ninth. If Bill Elliott is running at the All-Star race, I’m thinking that the drivers should bestow a bit of charity and push him to the front. It doesn’t affect their points standings, and the resulting media chaos would result in positive news for the sport and the guys who choose to help….for once.

Tenth. A: To celebrate the release of the new ‘Star Trek’ movie the week prior to the All-Star event, arm all 43 drivers with phasers set on ‘stun’, but have them be able to be turned off and on in the scoring tower at random. As the drivers will be constantly waving these things around outside the window, hoping they work, trying to ‘knock out’ the guy in front of them (Brian Vickers being the first guy to get hit), of course some drivers will accidentally ‘stun’ themselves when they try to blow into the barrel of their phaser to clean them out….B: For this race only, install car bodies that look just like one of those asexual Star Trek shuttlecraft….whoops, my fault, the COT looks like that already….C: And of course, use the actual ‘Enterprise’ as the pace car. I’m pretty sure it won’t take out the safety fencing as it goes around the track….and I’m also not sure where they are going to park the thing during green-flag racing….

See you next week.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it the ‘Car Of Tomorrow’.


You can contact Larry Van Zandt at Insider Racing News.
You Can Read Other Articles By Larry Van Zandt

The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.


return to top
Google
 
affiliate_link