January 14, 2009
By Larry Van Zandt
There is an idiom that goes something like this:
“Give a man enough rope…..”
It applies here, as there are times in one’s life where you really need to have all of the facts in hand, before saying something rather unintelligent….in public.
After seeing the quote from Jeff Gordon, in Matthew Pizzolato’s latest article (fellow writer here at IRN, and also a master swordsman), there is also a particular idiom that applies to certain moronic, yet politically-active celebrities in music circles who spend more time devoted to their 'cause' (flying private jets down to go 'save the rain forest', for example), rather than making new albums:
“Shut up and sing!”
Isn’t that interesting? I get to use TWO clever idioms in a row, all because Jeff Gordon is convinced that NASCAR could get along just fine without the American automakers’ assistance.
Oh, REALLY?
If an alien being, during a visit to Earth from another world, stepped out of a spaceship, and a NASCAR race was the absolute first thing he saw (hopefully it isn’t after a Gordon win, with it raining beer bottles, half-eaten hot dogs, and cast-iron skillets, along with the obligatory ‘boo!’ serenade that Sir Doesn’t-Seem-To-Win-A-Lot-Lately usually receives during the ‘victory’ lap), from his view, other than the cars being uglier than a pair of bowling shoes, why, there’s really nothing to differentiate the cars from each other, other than paint jobs, driving styles, dents, spears, and sponsor logos. And from a driver’s standpoint, gee, if you have seen one Car OF Some Hideous Alternate Tomorrow (COSHAT), you’ve seen them all.
However, unless I am missing something, all of the vehicle manufacturers that compete in NASCAR aren’t simply there for the overpriced cheap beer and peanuts (Well, maybe Dodge is). They are plunking down hundreds of millions of dollars to attempt to compete in the soon-to-be Greatest SnoozeFest On Earth, otherwise known as NASCAR racing. They provide various forms of assistance, whether it be mere financial sponsorship, or wind-tunnel time, I don’t honestly know every way they assist, but it’s just a wee bit beyond simple ‘logo placement’.
Which brings me to Sir Gordon’s commentary on how he’s convinced that GM wouldn’t be missed too terribly if General Motors suddenly did the ‘Ninja, Vanish!’ trick with the Hendrick Racing teams. And with that comment, I shall now explain how I’m using the two idioms from earlier, in scene 23.
1. ‘Give a man enough rope….and he will hang himself’. Jeff just didn’t cut himself a sufficient amount rope to hang himself with, he was also generous enough to supply an entire Boy Scout troop with enough industrial-grade twine for him to be named the primary series sponsor of a noose-making championship event.
2. ‘Shut up and sing!’….in this case, Jeff, why don’t you focus on the driving, and let your boss determine whether or not he needs the financial assistance of General Motors, okay? While I understand you’ve been incredibly successful with being a NASCAR driver, and I personally haven’t, at least I am not similarly delusional in thinking that I could write articles for Insider Racing News, if Insider Racing News just happened to no longer exist.
3. Hey, Jeff? You know those silly-looking ‘Chevrolet’ logos, which are placed on the front, sides, roof, rear, dash panel, seat bottom, and steering wheel of the car, along with being on the helmet, driver’s uniform, driver’s underwear, driver’s thong bikini, and etched into the driver’s teeth? They just happen to be PAYING for that placement, and are spending $140 or so million dollars a year for that sort of recognition. Those logos aren’t there as a sort-of ‘NASCAR Bandaid’ just to hold the body panels together.
That being said, at the same time, while Jeff of Green Gables may be completely ignoring how moronic his statement was, he did actually do a positive thing in addition, which was bringing light onto a subject, that subject being that NASCAR has been slowly trying to kill off manufacturer involvement for several years now, but still pull a con job to keep the Manufacturer money rolling in. The Car Of Some Hideous Alternate Tomorrow is but the first step, with ‘parity’ engines maybe someday following after (unless my ‘barstool’ story comes true)…
While it may have been advantageous initially for manufacturers not having to worry about building a regular passenger car that also happens to be suitable for use in NASCAR, problems are beginning to pop up with ‘Brand Recognition’, as the manufacturers don’t appear to be happy with the results of not having something that screams ‘Ford’, ‘Chevy’, ‘Dodge’, or even (gasp!) ‘Toyota’, even though ‘Toyota’ to me is simply an ugly Honda that’s $1000 cheaper.
“Ford in the winner’s circle!’ doesn’t mean that much when the Ford in question doesn’t have any recognizable characteristics with a car available in Ford’s lineup, and this includes all of the car builders, not just Ford. In addition, it’s also being rather questionable using quite possibly the most boring passenger car nameplates ever designed as a basis for brand recognition on the track. At this point, the manufacturers might as well come up with Cartoon names for their NASCAR vehicular fare, as I think colorful vehicle names like ‘The 2009 Chevy DeathKiller!’, or ‘The 2009 Ford BloodSlasher!’, and even ‘The 2009 Dodge Sleepinator!’ would be more interesting to fans than the boring marques that are out there now. In addition, we should simply let NASCAR complete its move to becoming a real-life ‘NASCAR Cartoon Series’, replete with jumps over flaming oil pits, and scantily-clad Elf Princesses riding Battle Unicorns alongside the race cars….
Either that, or put Supra (does Toyota even make the Supra anymore? I honestly forgot), Mustang, Camaro, and Challengers bodies on the COSHAT chassis, and make it something worth watching for a change. After having studied the problem a bit, I think that two moves would go far to ‘fix’ the series; switch to the ‘Pony cars’, and drop 500-1000 pounds of vehicle weight.
Of course, I am glad that I am not in charge of NASCAR, because it would be entirely possible for me to be in a rather weird mood one day, and just randomly force the first and second-place drivers to fight until the first knockdown, with giant bladed Q-tips, just like Captain Kirk and Spock did in one particular episode of the old ‘Star Trek’ series….just to make the end of the race more interesting….
NASCAR Jokes
Since I’m too lazy to write my own joke material this week, I’m going to be quoting a comedian or two instead….
“I wanna be a race car passenger -- just a guy who bugs the driver: Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep goin' in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”….Mitch Hedburg
“My wife is such a bad driver….while she was out driving today, she hit a deer….’what’s wrong with that?’, you might ask?....well, the deer was inside a zoo…”…Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife’s car was stolen while she was out shopping today….I asked her if she got a good look at the driver, and she replied, ‘No, but I got the license plate number!’….”.....Rodney again….
See you next week….
If at first you don’t succeed, call it the ‘Car of Tomorrow’.
The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.
You can contact Larry Van Zandt at