March 12, 2009
By Doug Demmons
There is a scene in the 1976 Academy-Award winning movie “Network” in which UBS executives are contemplating what to do about Howard Beale, the anchor-turned-lunatic whose ratings soared and then plummeted.
UBS executive Frank Hackett, played by Robert Duvall says, “Well, the issue is: Shall we kill Howard Beale or not? I'd like to get some more opinions on that.”
Fast forward to 2009 and the offices of Fox Broadcasting, which has seen ratings for its prized NASCAR Sprint Cup broadcasts take a nosedive over last year.
An emergency meeting was called this week to decide what to do about this decline. Fortunately, the door to the meeting room was left open just a crack and a fly managed to slip inside and land on the wall. The fly, who has requested anonymity to avoid being swatted, reported the following on what was said:
Fox head honcho: Our NASCAR ratings are circling the drain. What do we do?
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: I was thinking we could amp up our Digger segment. Maybe have Digger be an underground agent for the CIA fighting terrorists.
Fox sub-honcho No. 2: Or have Digger killed. What if a car came by just as Digger popped out of his hole and the splitter beheaded him?
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: Whoa! Even better dude -- a crew member chasing a tire comes into the picture and the tire flattens the little varmint.
Fox head honcho: Oh just stop it! Forget about Digger. Give me something from a reality-based universe. What’s changed from last year to this year.
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: Junior sucks.
Fox sub-honchos No. 2 and 3: Guffaw, guffaw.
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: No, seriously. Last year Dale Earnhardt Jr. was just starting out with Hendrick Motorsports and Junior Nation, which is larger than the population of India and Pakistan combined, was fired up. This season he’s having a worse year than the stock market.
Fox sub-honcho No. 2: So what we need is for Junior to run up front every week. Gosh, what a shame we can’t make that happen.
Fox head honcho: Says who?
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: You have a point sir. We’re the tail that wags the NASCAR dog. We can make anything happen. But how do we get Junior to the front? I mean, we’d probably have to do something completely crazy and illegal -- like have crew chief Tony Eury Jr. assassinated. (chuckles)
Fox head honcho: Excellent suggestion. Make it happen, but preserve plausible deniability.
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: Umm. Excuse me, sir?
Fox head honcho: Off him. Pop a cap in him. Whatever the slang is these days. Do you think we could have Kyle Busch run him over?
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: I don’t know sir. I’d have to check with Kyle’s people.
Fox head honcho: Well, explain to them that that whole “Black Hat” image thing they came up with for Kyle last year by having him wreck Junior at Richmond didn’t move the ratings. Not even the overnights.
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: Yes sir. Which track should we make it happen at? How about Talladega?
Fox head honcho: Excellent! The Big One unfolds in the tri-oval and Kyle shoots across pit road and takes out Eury. We then tell Rick Hendrick to reassign Chad Knaus to Junior’s team to help him overcome his grief. Junior wins the championship and we get a 50 share!!!!!!!
Fox sub-honcho No. 1: But what about Jimmie Johnson, sir?
Fox honcho: Who?
Doug Demmons is a writer and editor for the Birmingham News ~ he writes daily and weekly auto racing columns ranging from NASCAR to open wheel to Formula One, local tracks and more... you can read Doug's columns online at Blog of Tommorow
The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.
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