Government Racing - Coming to a Track Near You?

By Brian Watkins

Brian Watkins

As the government does its best to take over the US automotive industry (and in so doing run it into bankruptcy) it is time once again to play whatiff.

A few months ago I whatiff’d about the future of NASCAR should 1 or more of the domestic manufacturers go belly up. But that was before the word bailout was so darn popular. That was back when a billion dollars was a lot of money… back before the government could fire CEO’s of private corporations.

A lot has changed since the thought of bankruptcy for the big three was just a specter on the horizon. Today, with the help of the astute business minds in Washington, the failure of GM and Chrysler is almost certain. Which brings us back to the track.

A few months ago, I would have predicted that should an automaker fail, its teams would be left scrambling to be supported by one of the remaining car makers- but with all the bailouts going on, I think NASCAR teams would be just fine because the government would step in and make everything all better.

They’d quickly appoint a racing czar… someone who might have seen an F-1 race on TV but is otherwise completely unfamiliar with racing. Next they’d rush a racing omnibus bill through congress that would allocate no less than $50 billion of stimulus money to NASCAR and teams affiliated with NASCAR. It would be a beautiful thing, wouldn’t it? The DC bureaucrats would nullify all sponsorship contacts as a condition of receiving the stimulus cash. The logo’s of CAT, UPS, Office Depot and all the rest would disappear from the hoods, quarter panels and deck lids- replaced by the seals and flags of federal agencies. Here is a look at possible changes…

• Kyle Busch moves from M&M Mars to the IRS.
• Jimmie Johnson from Lowe’s to the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
• Kasey Kahne will swap the Bud logo for the official seal of the ATF.
• Brad Keselowski will move from Miccosukee to the National Indian Gaming Commission
• Jeff Burton from Caterpillar to OSHA
• Reed Sorenson from McDonald’s to the Department of Health and Human Services
• Sam Hornish from Mobile 1 to the Environmental Protection Agency
• Dale Earnhardt, Jr. from AMP to the United States Postal Service
• Mark Martin and Bill Elliott will share the sponsorship of the Social Security Administration
• Carl Edwards from AFLAC to the Migratory Bird Conservation Commission
• Travis Kvapil from Golden Corral to Office of Policy Management and Budget
• Clint Bowyer from BB&T to FDIC
• Sterling Marlin will be sponsored by the Tennessee Valley Authority
• Brian Vickers and Scott Speed from Red Bull to the Department of Energy
• Michael Waltrip from moving from NAPA to NASA
• Juan Pablo Montoya from Target to the National Invasive Species Council

Of course with the government in charge, all race winnings will be taxed at 90% regardless of pre-existing, government approved contracts and the gas hogging COT sleds will be replaced by a green alternative- golf carts. Race speeds will be kept at a safe 22MPH. (On the upside, the white house will allow passing below the line at Daytona and Talladega)

Attendees of the races must use public transportation or walk to the event as to not overburden the area’s Co2 balance due to cap and trade.

  I’m making fun of the situation here, but seriously, given all we’ve seen happen since the bailouts began, is it really that improbable to think that the government will somehow get it’s money grubbing little fingers into racing as well?

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The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.