November 26, 2008
By Larry Van Zandt
For those of you who didn’t tune in for last week’s article, which was ‘part 1’ of my ‘‘Demented Look Into The Future Of NASCAR’, it would probably be a good idea look at it first, so it doesn’t get confusing:
For those of you who did read it, but called a family member afterward, and finally got the strength to tell him or her that you never really liked the way they cooked their Thanksgiving turkey, suggesting that they first cover the dental bill for the teeth you knocked out when you ate their turkey last year, along with them quitting their day job, and begin selling their dish under the “Turkey Jerky” label, I thank you. However, I suggest that you read it again anyway, so I can use my mental powers upon you, the viewing audience, forcing you to enjoy my articles, even if they are complete and utter bombs.
Since I don’t want to bore you with unnecessary chatter (not any more than usual, anyway), and be responsible for even more people suffering from extreme ocular hemorrhaging, I will pick up where I left off with last week’s article….
2012: Due to further downgrades in the U.S. economy, right before the 2012 NASCAR season starts, to reflect the changing economy, ‘Camping Town’, the primary series sponsor, announces at the season-opening ‘Daytona 25’ that they will be again changing their corporate name, forcing NASCAR to change the name of the series to the ‘Camping Plates and Forks Cup’, eliciting giggles from news reporters covering NASCAR news, whenever the series name is mentioned. The series logo has ‘NASCAR’ above a stainless-steel plate, with two crossed forks under a championship cup.
Oh, yeah, before I forget; the NASCAR ‘Daytona 25’? NASCAR focus-group polling data shows that an increasing number of Americans suffer from ‘Limited Attention-Span Syndrome’, and since nobody is watching the increasingly boring races, only watching the first 10 or so laps, and the final 15 or so laps….NASCAR is going after that particular demographic group in order to drum up some viewers. So, instead of seeing the entire event, during what used to be the original ‘Daytona 500’, NASCAR now parks the cars for 450 miles of the race, and televises the first 10 laps, and the final 15, showing footage of old ‘big one’ crashes during the middle of the race, instead of airing the entire event. The teams like this arrangement, as it allows the teams to save some money, yet the racing suffers…but NASCAR insists that it will ‘improve NASCAR competition!’.
The NASCAR Nationwide development series? Gone, replaced by go-kart racing.
The funding problems for the teams have gotten so bad, that the season champion is the one who simply completed the most laps….and the NASCAR championship banquet at the end of 2012? Since it’s sponsored by Camping Plates and Forks, the series sponsor tries a marketing plan that has NASCAR ‘going back to its roots’, and rents out a public campground in the nearby Blue Ridge mountains at which to hold the event.
Of course, 4 of the top 12 drivers being honored are hospitalized when they are attacked by hungry bears….and the other 8 drivers follow their driving comrades to the same hospital an hour later when the remaining eight become sick from eating expired hot dogs.
2013: No changes in the series, other than the loss of 5 more races from the schedule, and only 17 teams are committed to the entire series. Most of the races have been shortened due to budget cuts, and not a single TV network wants to air a complete NASCAR race now. One other note? The ‘Chase for the Cup’ has now been changed to the ‘Somewhat-Vague Interest in the Championship’.
A few of the tracks that can’t afford asphalt maintenance have reverted back to dirt, Bristol being one of them, with Modifieds being used for those races, as none of the teams can afford to build cars suitable for dirt tracks. World of Outlaws now runs the same weekend as NASCAR does when they are at Bristol, and pulls in far larger TV numbers.
True to form, as spoken of during the 2008 season, NASCAR unveils the ‘bigger wheel’; the only problem is that now, no team can afford to upgrade, so NASCAR puts away the improved wheel design, and says ‘it was a bad idea, anyway’.
When the Public Address systems begin breaking down at the tracks, the few fans that still show up to the races are asked to ‘hum’ the National Anthem, instead of singing it, as they don’t want to upstage the cheap talent that NASCAR paid to sing the Star-Spangled Banner.
In addition, at one of the few tracks that had a functioning PA system, the talent was sooo bad, that the singer’s screeching brought down 147 ducks that just happened to be flying over the track at the same exact moment that the singing talent (?) began his verbal assault upon the National Anthem.
The France Cartel, when asked about the continuing downturns, says in a press conference that ‘they recognize a problem, and we have plans for 2018’, quelling all further requests for information with ‘no comment’ replies. When it’s obvious the press isn’t going to stop asking questions, Lisa France Kennedy points at the sky, and says, “Look, there’s Tom Brokaw!”, and when the reporters snap their heads around to look for the floating head of the reporter icon, the NASCAR representatives sneak out of the room before the reporters can notice.
Of course, recalling the championship banquet disaster of 2012, and knowing that they can no longer afford to pay for an event of that size, NASCAR rents out a ‘Birthday Room’ at a South Jersey PBA-sanctioned bowling alley to hold the Championship Banquet, and gives the top 5 drivers ‘Unlimited Bowling Bracelets’ along with free pitchers of Pepsi, in addition to the usual cash rewards for final points standings.
Yet this event is not without its mishaps, as three drivers are hospitalized when Junior Akins, a weightlifter/gas can man from the #87 team accidentally launches a 20-pound bowling ball backwards, shooting the ball at an estimated 325 mph into the table seating the three hapless drivers….
2014: There are now only 10 races on the schedule, and 16 teams. NASCAR is having some serious trouble paying their bills, and individual race sponsors are bailing weekly. However, during the downtime between the first 10, and the last 15 laps of the race (the 10 and 15 race program is now implemented for every NASCAR race, with crashes from the previous 60-something years of NASCAR being shown now during the ‘downtime’ of every race), some bored drivers and pit crew begin to stage impromptu races around the pits, with of all things….barstool racers. This started during the 2013 season, as one crew member brought a couple of gas-powered bar stools to alleviate his boredom, during the ‘down time’ between the 10 and 15 sessions.
Now, other teams start to bring their powered bar stools to the track, since they now have plenty of free time….and it’s beginning to be more fun to watch the pit crew and regular drivers go at it in the pit areas than it is to watch the regular race….
To be continued next week….oh yeah, try to have a good Turkey day.
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