October 29, 2008
By Larry Van Zandt
After watching the Pep Boys Auto 500 Sunday at Atlanta Motor Speedway, what was my first impression?
The fans, the sponsors, and the vehicle manufacturers represented deserve much, much better than the trudging Baseball game of a race that oozed its way through the laps, with the ONLY exciting moments being Jimmie Johnson's mad dash to 2nd place during the last few laps. The rest? I will get to that in a moment.
To me, Baseball is 'Five Minutes Of Excitement Jam-Packed Into Three Hours Of Game!'. I love Baseball for the history involved. I tried out a few Seattle Mariner's games, in person, along with local triple-A team games, not to mention various other events.And after giving Baseball an honest try?
I can't stand watching it.
The game needs cheerleaders, rabid wolverines running loose on the field, or maybe even randomly-opening trap doors, exploding baseball bats -- who knows? Something is needed to make it more interesting to watch for me. I mean no offense towards Baseball fans that might be reading this -- but I do have a suggestion to help the sport out:
Think about Lightsabers.
After seeing the race on Sunday, I think NASCAR went the Baseball route.
It was so bad at one point, that the entire ESPN/ABC/Salvation Army broadcasting booth began verbally beating up on the COSHAT (for those of you just now tuning in, COSHAT is 'Car Of Some Hideous Alternate Tomorrow') and pointing out NASCAR's failure to address any of the car's inherent problems -- heck, even my larger wheel idea got floated into the discussion. I don't know if I had anything to do with it, but hey, I at least had something to get excited about for a moment, as the race sure as heck wasn't doing anything for me.
Even worse? I didn't want to harp about the COSHAT this week...but there is no way around it now, as the car is turning out to be quite possibly the largest man-made disaster ever seen in modern professional motorsports since the Goodyear/Hoosier 'Hey, let's make racing tires made out of pencil erasers!' war. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if the guy who designed the car has a standing cash bet with a buddy, about how long the car will be used:
'Frank, I bet you $5 that I can design the worst race car ever seen or driven, and actually MAKE them drive it afterward for three seasons!'
'Nah, Bob, I bet you $10 that the drivers refuse to race such a heap, with the car owners protesting such a dump of a car!'
I think we know who won....
For those of you who didn't watch the race, or listen to it on PRN radio stations, the Pep Boys Auto 500 coupled a horrible car with a track surface that looks like its last repaving job was during the Roosevelt Administration, Teddy Roosevelt, that is. Drivers called it 'a larger Darlington', I likened it more of an old, used up short track that stuck its thumb in its mouth, and blew really hard, blowing itself up to something Atlanta-sized. Don't get me wrong, old tracks have a lot of character, and to be honest, there is something nostalgic in going to older venues -- but you would think that Atlanta Motor Speedway, being located near one of the main economic hubs in the South, and with the speeds generated during that race, would have a more fresh (and safe) racing surface, to enhance the racing at that track. However, the sloppy track surface doesn't hold a candle to the car they were racing out there -- which is the main story right now.
I have suggested, in the past, that Goodyear has not made the highest-quality tires, with their street-based offerings still making me want to scream like a woman, and run away. However, they managed to build a tire that actually held up for 6-10 laps under an overweight, no-downforce, high-center-of-gravity disaster in engineering -- and then the rest of the green-flag run was spent just trying to keep the car out of the wall, with everyone in a perpetual state of 'crashing', you know, like you are watching a continuous three-hour-long video of a crash right up to the point before the car hits a wall.
It didn't help that the track was so slick, with there being absolutely zero grip anywhere out on the racing surface. The drivers were so desperate to find some decent grip, that some brave drivers decided to try racing through the infield grass, on the vertical retaining fence, through the stands, and even on the public highway outside of the event, in order to try to find a faster way around the track.
During the boring green-flag runs, I found myself channel surfing to try to allieviate some of the boredom. I bounced back and forth between Championship Off-Road Racing (the only time they have yellow flag laps is if the Luftwaffe bombs the race, or if an Amway salesman wanders out onto the track), the Pep Boys Auto 500, and Championship Archery For The Blind (I guess you just had to see it), and other than there being 11 fans, 6 officials, and 17 Bald Eagles being shot by wayward arrows, it was actually a good event.
Some of the corporate-kool-aide-drinking drivers called Atlanta a 'great' race track, because there were 'so many ways to get around the track!'. I think that statement should be revised, to say that 'You could hit the wall from ANY point on the track, even from the parking lot!'
How long are the fans, sponsors, and the four auto manufacturers represented going to put up with this? The latter half of this season has descended into utter poop, and then NASCAR decides to regurgitate the same disastrous formula for the entire 2009 Sprint/Nextel/Winston Cup season? Geeze, I was even thinking of putting on a Girl Scout uniform, and selling cookies ('Made from 100% Girl Scouts!'....thank you, Addams Family) to finance my attending a couple of races for the 2009 season....but now? Other than maybe selling off a child or two for one of the Bristol races, or Watkins Glen event -- I'm not going to 'feed the monster' and support financially a racing organization that continues to provide such nauseating entertainment -- and judging by the slipping ratings and race attendance -- I am not alone in my thinking.
Race Notes
1. I don't know what tires Jimmie Johnson's pit crew put on his #48 Lowe's Chevrolet during a caution with just a few laps to go the checkered flag, but he was going so fast, that it appeared that Johnson was actually fast-forwarding to the end of the race, just to get it over with.
2. Carl Edwards won the event, but had there been a couple of extra laps, I think Johnson would have lapped the entire field, with as slow as the rest of the race was going.
3. After ending the majority of the last several races with severe damage to the body of his car, Michael Waltrip, in a joint effort with Rubbermaid, unveiled his all-new rubber-bodied Car Of Tomorrow. When asked 'why' by the assembled reporters, Waltrip replied with 'We felt that the #55 Napa Toyota team needed to bounce back after all the bad luck we have had over the last several races...'.
Waltrip also spoke of development problems that remained unaddressed, such as having to 'burp' the car to get the hood closed, or to get the driver into the car. NASCAR immediately outlawed the new body design, due to the new body's habit of not exploding into large, debris-caution-causing large pieces upon hard contact with the wall, or another car.
4. Speaking of Debris cautions -- you would think that the cars would be put together a bit better than that. Jiminy Christmas, there were so many debris cautions with broken parts out on the racing surface, that I am absolutely shocked that all 43 cars out there were present and accounted for -- wait, was the pace car still running by the end of the event?
5. Kudos to Michael Waltrip, by the way, for still running chrome-plated wheels on his #55 Napa Toyota Camry. It dresses up a bit of a boring part on his car.
NASCAR Jokes
What goes 'Ha ha ha....plop'?
A NASCAR official laughing his head off.
Why did the bank quit sponsoring their race team?
They lost interest.
What did the NASCAR hot dog say after he won the race?
'I'm the Weiner!'
A driver was having such bad luck out on the track, that he asked a minister, a priest, and a rabbi to come by and bless his race car.
The minister invoked the name of God, and led them in prayer. The priest stood in front of the car, and tossed Holy Water onto the hood while speaking in Latin. The Rabbi sang a psalm, and cut off a piece of the exhaust pipe.
That's all for this week, before Halloween on Friday. Parents, remember to taste-test all of your children's candy before they eat it.
Remember, Safety First!
The thoughts and ideas expressed by this writer or any other writer on Insider Racing News, are not necessarily the views of the staff and/or management of IRN.
You can contact Larry Van Zandt at